Sweet Angels
by LiteralBlue
Summary: Females on strike! Crushed waffles! Leader's curry night! Headbutts! The watermelon of doom! An interesting lawnmower! Pie! What's Akatsuki to do? Tobicentric. Rated for language. Contains OCs. CHAPTER FIVE: Pie developments, sulky Zetsu and a Hawktopus!
1. Epilogue

A/N Welcome to a crazy randomness spawned by myself and my darling sister, Astarael's Get. Yes, the two OCs are shameless self-inserts, but this is what happens when I get random. And hyper. And slightly drunk. Aster owns Tei and I own Rei, and Anno and Rimu are joint possessions. For those of you who don't know, Konan is Blue, Flower, Unnamed, whatever you want to call her. Pein is Leader. I got Deidara's joke of the internet, look up the whole thing if you want to. I also own the word "smirkery"

* * *

It was the dawn of a regular day in the Akatsuki hideout. The males of the Akatsuki were all seated around a large table; the females amongst them were busy, origami artist Konan sorting clothes from a huge laundry basket, tarot-user Tei washing dishes and doll-manipulator Rei piling breakfast onto a huge plate. The purple-haired Kunoichi spun around with a bright smile on her face. 

"Waffles!" She announced.

"YAY!" Said Tobi. The rest were listening to Deidara's joke.

"It was then observed that 100 of the men who drank the female-hormone beer gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't fight, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had a sudden desire to attempt to cook and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned." He finished. The males of the table all showed amusement in varying degrees of smirkery, and Tobi began giggling.

Tei and Konan slowly turned around. The large plate of waffles in Rei's hands went slowly from horizontal to vertical and the waffles slipped to the floor. Tobi uttered a terrified shriek and flew across the table, smashing plates and knocking Kakuzu off his chair, but managed to catch a single waffle before it hit the floor.

"Tobi saved his waffle!" Tobi announced proudly, looking up at Rei. She gave him a dark look. Surprised at the lack of praise, Tobi turned to Konan, who shook her head, and then to Tei, who threw her hands up and announced thusly.

"That was a terrible joke! I can't believe you dorks found that funny! What's funny about it? Geez, I could kick your ass any day for that!"

Kisame and Deidara both coughed into their drinks, and Hidan muttered under his breath, "PMS, much…"

Tei purpled. "_What _was that?"

"Okay then, fine." Rei said suddenly. She smiled and took a step forwards, crushing the waffles into the carped in the process. They all looked up at her. "Let's see how you do without us _little women_."

"Reikisha-san-" Anno began, but was cut off by his ex-teammate.

"I'm striking. So's Tei. And Konan. Let's see how you do without us."

"Reikisha-san-" Anno tried again, but the kunoichi's rant had raised over his small voice.

"One week, one _week_, you can do your own cooking, your own cleaning, your own laundry, your own shopping, your own sewing, your own nails, and Tobi, you can cut your own damn hair!"

Tobi stared at her. As she spoke, she turned her heel, mashing the dead waffles further into the carpet.

"Reikisha-san-"

"Shut up, Anno."

"Yes, Telaki-san."

Tei took a saucepan half-full of the remains of last night's bolognaise and dumped it over the clean dishes. Rei went over to the oven where the night's dinner was slow-cooking, and switched it off. Konan turned off the washing machine at the plug. The three girls went around the room, switching off everything from the toaster to the central heating. As they were about to leave, Anno tried one last time to reason.

"Reikisha-san, Telaki-san, Konan-senpai, _please_, you're overreacting a little-"

"Shut up, Anno." Said Konan. She flicked off the light switch as she left the room.

"Um, Leader-san…" Deidara quietly addressed the spiky red hair visible over the top of the newspaper. "The girls… they just rebelled."

"I can see that."

"Um, well, they, um…"

"They _what_, Deidara?"

"They do all the cooking and cleaning and stuff."

"Deal with it." With that, Leader folded his newspaper and rose gracefully. "Monday is curry night. And clean that up." He nodded to the waffles mashed into the carpet. Then he left.

"Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod!" Whined Deidara, ignoring the angry look he received from Hidan. "Leader-sama's gonna kill us!"

"Calm down." Kakuzu said. "What's the problem?"

"Leader-sama loves curry night! And it's the last night of the strike and he'll kill us if we don't cook him a curry!"

"I can cook." Said Kisame without looking up.

"No, you can't." Said Itachi after a long silence. Deidara looked close to tears.

"You guys are totally screwed." Hidan announced happily. "Hey, maybe Leader-sama can kill me?"

"Doubtful." Said Sasori.

"Sucks." Said Hidan.

"You're acting like a bunch of melodramatic teens." Kisame announced. "What, you think they'll actually go on strike for a whole week?"

"They will, Reikisha-san and Telaki-san are good at that." Said Anno.

"Shut up, Anno." Said Rimu. "But, when those two say strike, they mean strike. They did that when we were on a mission once, we got attacked and almost died because they refused to fight."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"So what do we do?"

"I suppose we start with the carpet."

"Someone switch on the light, first."

"I'll get it!"

"Ow!"

"Sorry."

"Tobi is dead now."

"Huzzah!"

"That was mean."

"Shut up, Anno."

* * *

A/N We have so many stories for Rei and Tei. Go over to Astarael's Get and watch her, a story entitled "Leader's Towel" will soon be in circulation. 


	2. Tuesday: Part One

A/N Hoped you liked the first chapter, the second is coming up! It's WAY longer than the epilogue. I don't own Naruto, I own this idea and the character Rei, Tei belongs to my wonderful sister Astarael's Get, who writes the same characters with ideas conceived by both of us together, so check her out!. Anno and Rimu are our joint possessions.

* * *

"So, what now?" Asked Kisame. 

"We have to clean the carpet. We should probably clean up the rest of the kitchen, too, you know how anal _some people_ can be." Said Deidara with a pointed look at Sasori.

"Well, let's see what we've got to work with." Said Sasori, ignoring this. He crossed to the cupboard, stepping over Tobi, who had fallen asleep on the floor with his waffle clutched to his chest.

Sasori opened the cupboard where he had seen the girls storing cleaning equipment, and received a shock. He reached inside, and pulled out a single can of polish; when he squeezed it, it went _phzzzzt_, and released a small breath of dry air. "Uh-oh." He said.

"What?" Asked Deidara.

"We got nothing." Sasori informed them miserably. "No polish, no soap powder, no washing-up liquid, _no carpet cleaner_." There was silence.

"Then we just need to buy some more." Said Itachi matter-of-factly.

"If you're all going shopping, I'm coming with you." Announced Kakuzu. "I'm not about to let you fall in love with some designer soap-powder or anything."

"Then to the shops!" Announced Anno, pointing dramatically upwards.

"Shut up, Anno." Said Deidara. "Somebody wake Tobi." Everybody looked at him. He sighed, and crouched down by Tobi, shaking his shoulder. "Hey, dork, we're leaving." He said.

Tobi curled up tightly, muttering quietly to himself, "Oh, Fluff, get out of the laundry basket… good furby… indubitably… world domination… zombie face-eaters… black lace... _Not the watermelon of doom_!" With that, he sat bolt-upright, inadvertently headbutting Deidara in the process. The stone-nin yelped, fell backwards and lay still. Tobi climbed to his feet, forgetting the waffle that had stuck to his cloak. "Bad dream… What does Deidara-senpai want Tobi for?" He glanced down at the unconscious blonde at his feet. "Oh. Does Deidara-senpai want a nap with Tobi?"

"We're going shopping, Tobi." Said Rimu. He paused. "You know, if we want the girls to ever do anything for us again, we should be nicer to them. Someone go see if they want anything from the village."

Nobody moved. Finally, Tobi raised a hand. "Tobi will go!"

"He'll make things worse, I'll go with him." Said Kisame with a sigh.

* * *

Konan's room next to Leader's was empty, so they were probably in Rei or Tei's room. The so-called voodoo sisters slept at the far end of the corridor, which resulted in a trek during which Tobi alternately hopped, skipped or cartwheeled, and Kisame alternately contemplated ways to kill Tobi and wondered who was the greatest poet in history. 

When they finally came to Rei's room, Kisame raised a large fist to hammer on the door, but then paused and knocked quietly.

"Striking." Rei's voice floated out.

"We, uh, we're going to the shops." Kisame said awkwardly. "Do you want anything?"

"I can't hear you!" Konan said loudly. "Did you just say the three flowers of the Akatsuki are the most beautiful and amazingly talented Kunoichi that ever graced the earth?"

"Hell, no!" Growled Kisame.

"That's a pity, I was considering shortening our strike." Said Konan. Kisame paused.

"Uh… I mean… Yeah, that's what I said."

"Could you repeat it, please? So we can hear?" Konan said brightly. Kisame reddened slightly, which turned his blue skin a pretty shade of violet.

"I, uh… I mean…"

""The three flowers of the Akatsuki."" Konan prompted. The three girls were giggling within.

"Yeah, those. The three flowers of the Akatsuki are, um, the most beautiful, talented Kunoichi that ever graced the earth."

"Is that all?" Snapped Tei. Kisame thought for a moment, then spoke again.

"And the brightest lights of all the world pale in comparison to their bold and inescapable charm." He finished with a flourish that nearly knocked Tobi off his feet.

"That's nice to know." Said Tei, sounding thoroughly smug. "What was it you wanted?"

"Do you want anything from the shops?"

"We shall confer!" There followed thirty seconds of the three flowers of the Akatsuki muttering, then Tei's voice rose above the others. "Tacos! And pizza! And- what was it?" More whispering. Kisame caught the words "No, we _can't_ have a pet lemur", before Tei spoke again. "And those teddy-shaped crackers that make you feel guilty when you eat them 'cause they're so cute."

"Ok then, I guess." Said Kisame hesitantly. Tobi knocked on their door.

"Tobi says hi!" He announced.

"Well done, Tobi. Oh, and Kisame, tell Anno to shut up when you see him."

"Yes, Rei."

* * *

"Shut up, Anno." 

"I didn't say anything!"

"Rei told me to tell you." Kisame turned to the shopping party, which consisted of Tobi, Itachi, Hidan, Kakuzu, Rimu, Anno and Sasori. Deidara was still out cold on the kitchen floor, though someone had kindly placed a cushion under his head. "They want tacos, pizza and teddy-bear shaped crackers." The others nodded.

"Let's go, then." Said Rimu. He opened the door and went through. Then he came back, looking rather embarrassed.

"Rimu, that's the cloakroom." Said Sasori.

"I wondered what all those cloaks were doing there."

On that note, they were off!

* * *

**At the mall…**

"What do we need?"

"Polish, carpet cleaner, soap powder, washing-up liquid, things for the girls and something to eat tonight."

"Don't bother about dinner, I put the oven back on." Said Anno.

"Shut up, Anno." Said Rimu. "Anyway, dinner's not a problem, I put the oven back on." Anno pouted, and was ignored.

"Right, let's go to the supermarket. Kakuzu can pick brands."

"Hey, where is Kakuzu?"

* * *

**Elsewhere in the mall****…**

Kakuzu was in a conundrum. "Red or blue, red or blue…" He wondered to himself.

"Kakuzu?"

"Gack!" He spun around to see the purple-haired and purple-eyed flower of the Akatsuki staring at him. He tried to turn and run, but the blonde-haired beautiful, talented Kunoichi stood at his other side. He turned, to find that behind him stood the bluenette next to whom the brightest lights of all the world paled in comparison. He was cornered.

"Kakuzu…" Tei sighed, "Why are you in a women's underwear shop?"

"And looking at such tasteless thongs!" Added Rei, sounding utterly shocked.

"It's not what it looks like!" He said quickly, shoving the aforementioned undergarments back onto their stand. "It's not as if I wear women's underwear because it's cheaper than men's! Nor do I like wearing thongs! Why would you think that? What a dirty little mind you have! She-perverts! You disgust me!"

The three women exchanged glances. Konan's face became slowly redder, until she ran out of the shop, shrieking and laughing like a madwoman. Tei spoke slowly and carefully. "Kakuzu, do you wear women's underwear?"

"No!"

"You do, don't you?"

"… Maybe."

"You do."

"…Yes."

Rei sighed. "Kakuzu, I know girls' underwear is cheaper than men's, and I can see your reasoning and I understand perfectly. It's just that the ones you're looking at are completely- _is that a bra?_" The last part came as she looked into the shopping bag he already carried.

"NO! No! I mean, I mean, um… look! A distraction!" He pointed. They raised their eyebrows at him again. "Hey, hey, Kisame talked to you before we left, how did you get here?"

"To explain that would require words that don't exist. Suffice it to say she sells sea shells on the sea shore." Said Tei, the patron saint of crazy.

"Kakuzu, you buy teensy knickers because they save money, but _then_ you go to spend good money on bras? Fake-designer foreign bras, no less!" Rei pulled the lacy dove-grey culprit from its bag. "Look at it! Look at that wiring! I give it a week before it starts to dig into you! You think those straps'll go a month without snapping? Seriously, Kakuzu, I could teach you a thing or two about underwear."

"Kakuzu? Hey, Kakuzu, where the hell are you?" Hidan's voice rose from outside.

"Shit, he'll see me!" Growled Kakuzu. He snatched his bra back from Rei and stuffed it in the bag as he made for the door.

"Hey, one more thing!" Tei called. "That nurse costume that showed up in the laundry last month, was that yours? 'Cause I gave it to Tobi."

Kakuzu cursed as he ran.

* * *

"Hey, where were you?" 

"Nowhere." Snapped Kakuzu. "Where're the others?"

"We finished shopping. They sent me to look for you whilst we were waiting for Itachi to finish his triple-chocolate-extra-cream-marshmallow-and-honey-drop-sprinkle mocha supreme."

"His _what_?"

"Nobody wanted to ask."

They rejoined the group at the central café, where Itachi had just finished his triple-chocolate-extra-cream-marshmallow-and-honey-drop-sprinkle mocha supreme. Tobi was walking around in circles, oblivious to the waffle that was still on his cloak.

"Let's go." Said Itachi. The eight ninja set off back to hideout.

* * *

When Kisame returned from delivering the girls their purchases, he appeared to have been blushing. 

"How were they?" Asked Sasori, sounding thoroughly bored. He was sat with his feet propped up on the still-unconscious Deidara; Tobi had thoughtfully given the bomber a teddy-bear and a blanky.

"They made me leave the things outside and said they'd get them later."

"And how exactly did that make you blush?" Fortunately for Kisame, the one who asked this question was Anno.

"Shut up, Anno." Said Kisame.

"Tobi thinks we should start cleaning now." Said Tobi. Rimu picked up the bottle of carpet-cleaner; Kakuzu groaned when he saw the price tag still attached.

""Warning."" Rimu read. ""This product contains chemicals that can, and will, melt away human flesh instantly upon contact. Rubber gloves are recommended." Guess we need to find some gloves, then." Hidan crossed to the cleaning cupboard, and rummaged around looking for gloves.

"There, there, Deidara-senpai." Said Tobi, stroking the blonde hair of the artist-gone-criminal-gone-footstool. "Sleep well."

Hidan made a choking noise. He straightened up, holding the rubber gloves in his hands. They were pink, and had feathers on.

* * *

A/N Oh, no! Whatever shall they do? Well, you'll have to wait for the next chapter to find out! 


	3. Tuesday: Part Two

A/N Well-received so far! I come up with my ideas together with my dear sister Astarael's Get, so go check out her hilarious story "Leader's Towel" for more! Dude, this is 7 pages long.

* * *

There were gasps. There were stares. But worst of all, there were three pairs of feathery pink rubber gloves.

"They _clean_ with those?"

"I've never seen them wearing them."

"Then why _own_ them?"

Rimu looked extremely guilty. The Akatsuki looked at him, and he coughed nervously. "I, um, I think that's my fault."

"_What?_"

"Christmas, a few years back… I didn't know what to get them, so I…"

"Got them foofy pink gloves? Geez, Rimu, this isn't a freakin' hen party!" Hidan snapped, throwing down the abominations. Kisame sighed.

"Well, someone's gotta wear them."

"I nominate Rimu." Said Hidan.

"Rimu." Agreed Sasori.

"Definitely Rimu." Said Kakuzu.

"Rimu."

"Shut up, Anno." Growled Rimu.

"And Anno, too." Added Sasori. Anno glared at him.

"Well, fine, you don't have to _make_ me. I know that I am a guy, and wearing pink gloves isn't going to take that away. For S-class criminals, you guys are all cowards about some thing."

"Anno?"

"Yes, Hidan?"

"Will you shut your freakin' trap before I shove a pointy object somewhere extremely uncomfortable?"

"Yes, Hidan." Said Anno, deflated.

"There's still another pair." Said Zetsu; nobody knew when he had come in, which was often the case. People often preferred to think of him as a naturally occurring phenomenon that showed up from time to time to chat to the pot plants, and refused to eat salad.

"Lets pull the feathers off and put them in Deidara's hair." Sasori suggested, nudging the unconscious ninja he was still using as a footstool. There was a long silence, during which Kakuzu had a coughing fit, Tobi blinked twelve times and Itachi, in a rare display of emotion, rolled his eyes. Also, an ant fell down a hole.

"No." Said Kisame eventually.

"Tobi would love to make Deidara-senpai pretty!" Said Tobi brightly. Deidara muttered something about taking the hobbits to Isengard, and curled up a little tighter, peacefully oblivious. Tobi stroked his hair. "Deidara-senpai is adorable when he is unconscious." Tobi said thoughtfully. "I wonder how he got knocked out?"

"… Yes." Said Kisame slowly. "But anyway, I have an idea!"

Sasori took out his diary, checked it and returned it to his pocket. "That's impossible. It's only been three months since your last one."

"Silence! And that's two months and twenty-eight days."

"Twenty-eight days is a month. Konan says so."

"That's what she said."

A few crickets made their existence known.

"Yes," said Kisame, "yes, it is what she said."

The crickets chirruped some more.

"But anyway, my idea!" Kisame announced. "To decide who has to wear the third pair of gloves… we _draw straws!_"

As it turned out, the criminal organisation's hideout, for some reason, didn't contain any straws. So they used bananas instead.

"Okay, guys, all draw at the same time and whoever gets the little one has to wear the gloves."

"This is all your fault." Anno growled to Rimu as the others reached into the fruit bowl.

"Why is it _my_ fault?" Snapped Rimu, who sometimes in times of stress forgot to tell Anno to shut up.

"You bought the gloves!"

"You should have stopped me!"

"What, using my psychic powers?"

"It'd help! So really, it's all _your_ fault!" Decided Rimu, suddenly grabbing the front of Anno's cloak.

"What?"

"For not having psychic powers!"

"_What?_"

"If you'd had psychic powers you could have seen this coming and we'd have been able to shut Deidara up and none of this would have happened!"

"What? _No_! It's _your_ fault!"

"Huh?"

"If you weren't such a weirdo back in Konoha, Rei and Tei would never have ended up in our team, so we'd never have gotten involved with Akatsuki so you'd never have gotten Deidara into the internet so he'd never have found that joke so the girls wouldn't have gotten upset but they wouldn't anyway because they wouldn't be here because they'd never have left Konoha because you weren't a weirdo!" Anno had not breathed at all in this speech, so his voice was at a tremendously high pitch by the time he finished.

Rimu paused. After a full minute's searching for comebacks the best he could do was "Yeah, well, you lived with your _granny_!"

"Yeah, well, you lived _alone_!"

"All the cool people live alone!"

"… there's fourteen of us in this hideout. And at least three of them are cool."

"And _you're_ not one of them!"

"Neither are _you!_"

"… shut up, Anno." Said Rimu, finally remembering himself. There was silence just in time to hear the _chink_s of several fruits being dropped. In unison the two extremely mature ninja turned, to see the stares of six ninja directed at the seventh.

In decades to come, few could believe it.

Even after being presented with photographic evidence.

Despite there being no photographs taken at the time.

But there were cameras. Just, no-one used them.

They were too busy staring.

Probably someone photoshopped it.

But that's irrelevant.

It happened.

Itachi drew the short banana.

* * *

"Um, okay, instructions. '_put some on the floor and rub in, then leave it a while and scrub out._'"

"That's… pretty vague." Said Kisame after a long silence. Kakuzu suddenly slammed both fists down on the table.

"You see what happens when you shop without me, you fools? You buy expensive brands with terrible instructions!"

"Hey, Rei's the one who murdered the waffles to death." Said Sasori.

"Tobi saved his waffle!" Announced Tobi proudly, unaware that the remains of the morning's many waffles were still down his cloak.

"You guys know if we do this wrong it'll probably melt a hole in the floor?" Hidan commented cheerfully.

"Oh, great."

"We… need to go to the girls again." Kakuzu realized slowly.

"HELL, no!" growled Kisame. "They make me do terrible things for them! Terrible things! Terrible, I tell you! Dark, deadly, vile little-" He came to the sudden realisation that he was being stared at.

"What are they, torturing you or something?"

"… something like that."

"…"

The door opened suddenly, and Konan came in with a laundry basket. She ignored the stares directed at her as she went to the fridge-freezer and removed every one of the nineteen pizzas, four tubs of ice cream and six bags of potato wedges, dumping them into the basket.

"What the hell are you doing with all that?" Asked Hidan, breaking the silence.

"Building a fort." Said Konan simply. She hoisted up the basket and was at the door when Rimu called to her:

"Can you give me a hand with this cleaner?"

"Not on your life, blondie." She paused, then went to the fruit bowl on the table and picked up three apples, balancing them miraculously on top of the rest of the food.

"Farewell and good luck, dears." She said, smirking as she used her foot to slide the door closed behind her.

"… Did she say she's building a _fort_?"

"They're _women_, Kisame. You can't expect them to think like normal people."

"_I heard that._" Konan snapped from the other side of the door. The men all shuddered, except Deidara, who whimpered in his unconscious slumber.

"In other news, how about we just put some of this stuff on the floor and wait and see? I mean, we'd _notice_ the floor corroding, right?" Rimu looked semi-hopeful as he made the suggestion. Anno shrugged and Itachi looked indifferent. Rimu took this as consent, and opened the bottle.

It was a smell that could make rocks pinch their noses, if rocks had noses, or anything to pinch them with. It was probably already at work on the ozone layer above the hideout. Rimu nearly dropped it, coughing.

Anno looked at the bottle again. "'Additional warning, do not inhale.'" He read.

"_Ack – ugh – argh –_ why the – _gack!_ – hell didn't _– ugh- ah – ack_ –you tell me _– ugh –_ earlier?"

"I tried. You told me to shut up."

"Ugh… Shut up, Anno." Said Rimu weakly. "You can pour it." He gave the bottle to Anno.

The green-eyed ninja crouched carefully, and began to slowly tip the cleaner over, until in a rush of flesh-corroding carpet cleaner, half the contents of the bottle splashed out onto the carpet. Tobi calmly pulled Deidara's hair away from the expanding puddle, which followed the slight tilt of the floor, to flow under the table, towards the door, and –

The bare feet of the unsuspecting Leader.

"Noooooooooooooo!" Screamed Anno, and in seeming slow motion, he leapt over the table, under the unnecessarily ornate chandelier that had appeared there one morning, and skidded to a halt at Leader's feet, blocking the flow of carpet-cleaner with his body. Leader stared down at him for a moment, then nudged him with a toe. "Leader… sama…" gasped Anno.

"Oh, good." Said Leader. "I was just coming to see if that waffle was being cleared up." He turned on his heel, shut the door, opened it again, kicked Anno's hand out of the way and shut the it again.

Rimu was staring at Anno. "You spilled it, you idiot! What the hell did you do that for?"

"Usually they have this little nozzle thing so it only comes out in drips so I thought…" Anno paused for a second, and then slowly the realisation of the liquid he was covered in dawned, and with it came _pain_.

"_Oh God, it burns! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!_" He screamed, writhing on the floor. Itachi very calmly took a bag of ice from the freezer and emptied it over Anno's head, apparently bringing him some temporary relief before the screaming started again. Eventually, Kisame dragged him outside and threw him into the pond, where his screams subsided somewhat. He returned to find Rimu stood proudly over a damp but otherwise clean and noticeably waffle-free patch of carpet.

"It worked!"

"Yup, your partner's fine. He's just got acid-burns all over him." Said Kisame.

"Isn't it great?" Rimu continued. "You know, I think we can actually pull this off. Dinner's nearly done, too, we just need to dish it up. It's not that hard."

* * *

It was eleven at night, and four people remained in the kitchen: the unconscious Deidara, Tobi, who had supplied his knees as Deidara's pillow, Sasori, who was still using Deidara as a footstool, and Kisame, who had just put the last clean dish in the cupboard.

"Interesting day." Sasori commented.

"It'll be an interesting week." Said Kisame, sitting down.

"Rimu thinks we can make it."

"Let's see." Kisame closed his eyes. "Day One. We've spent a fortune on cleaning products, we burnt dinner, Leader nearly got his feet corroded, Deidara's unconscious, Anno's covered in acid burns, Rimu choked on fumes, Konan stole a load of food, and Tobi still had waffle down his cloak. Yup, we're doing well."

"Tobi is a good boy." Tobi murmured tiredly.

"It's past your bedtime, Tobi."

"Tobi is staying with Deidara-senpai so he has a pillow." Tobi said, a hint of defiance in his voice. Sasori did not press the matter.

"I think we might be able to survive most of the week, but we're dead on Leader's curry night." Kisame mused.

"Completely."

"Nice knowing you."

"Same. Night."

"G'night."

* * *

A/N Aster, I expect a chapter 3 coming out of you shortly! Man, this took ages. Anyways, next is Wednesday, in which the boys cook breakfast! Or, attempt to, anyway. Oh, by the way, there _will _be a reference to the title in a later chapter! 


	4. Wednesday: Part One

A/N Sorry for the delay! I've been busy, lazy or any combination of the two. Disclaimers in the first chapter, as well as that I don't own the movie 300.

* * *

Hidan was awoken by having a chair thrown at his head by Kisame. "OW, MOTHERF-" Another chair silenced him. He rubbed the bloody dent in his skull. "_What?_" 

"Do you know how early the girls get up to cook breakfast?"

"No."

"Well, neither do I, but Leader's always at the table by 6:32 and eight seconds, and we need to clean up."

"What time is it now?"

"5:49 and three seconds."

"Okay. Give me a minute, though, I think that last chair hit my brain." Hidan swung his legs out of bed, staggered a few steps, performed a strange manoeuvre that shouldn't be possible for the human anatomy, and fell over. "Yup. Definitely hit my brain."

* * *

"I don't understand, why can't we just have cereal?" Hidan complained. 

"The girls cook on a timetable." Itachi explained. "On Wednesday, they make a Full English breakfast. It's a Leader-approved system. You know how Leader likes his systems…" Leader's mention was, of course, the trigger. Hidan nodded reluctantly. "I suggest we wake Tobi and Deidara before anything else."

"Can't we let Tobi sleep?" Asked Sasori. "Or just kill him?" He added hopefully.

"You'd be amazed how well Tobi can fry an egg." Itachi countered. Sasori blinked.

"Tobi can cook?"

"He can fry an egg." Hidan sighed, and crouched down next to Tobi. The puppy-like boy was instantly up.

"Tobi slept well!" He announced. As the girls were not here to congratulate him, Rimu clapped slowly. Hidan shook Deidara's shoulder, but the Stone ninja mumbled in his sleep and turned away. Hidan sighed, and leaned in to Deidara's ear.

"WAKEY WAKEY!" He screamed. Deidara yelped, bringing his arm up in reflexive defence, unintentionally punching Hidan in his chair-wound. Hidan stared at Deidara for a moment, then his eyes rolled slowly, and he collapsed limply onto the blonde.

"Umm… this is flattering, Hidan, really, but get the hell off me!" He tried to shove the heavy fanatic off himself, but needed Sasori's help.

"Tobi! Stop frolicking! We need you to fry eggs." Rimu commanded.

"Tobi can fry eggs!" Tobi yelled, frolicking despite Rimu's commands. He frolicked over unconscious Hidan to the fridge, and took out a pack of 23.5 eggs. Why there was a boiled egg cut perfectly in half in that box, we will never know, but personally I blame Kisame. Tobi was well into his frying when Anno staggered in, wearing Tei's loose pyjamas to go easy on his burns.

"Anno!" Rimu gripped his partner's upper arm and dragged him into the room.

"AGH!" Anno yelped in pain.

"Shut up, Anno, people are asleep!" Rimu shoved a cloth in his hands. "Now wipe the table."

"Yes, sir…"

Sasori took it upon himself to polish Leader's chair; unlike the other wooden chairs at the table, Leader's was a massive gothic throne decorated with skulls and iron chains, and gripped by silver talons. It took a half-hour with a toothbrush to have it gleaming satisfactorily, by which time breakfast was all but done.

Leader arrived exactly on time, carrying the morning's newspaper, in which, unbeknownst to everyone but Konan, a comic book was concealed. He raised an eyebrow at the limp form of Hidan on the floor, but settled into his chair and took the plate nervously offered to him by Kakuzu. He speared a sausage on a fork and raised it behind the newspaper; there was a tense silence as he chewed, and then swallowed, and put the fork down.

He didn't kill anyone, which meant the sausage was a success. As one, the Akatsuki breathed a sigh of relief and began to eat.

"Is Deidara-senpai okay?" Asked Tobi.

"Headache." Mumbled Deidara; Kisame had had to stop him from emptying a whole jar of aspirin into his morning orange juice. It said a lot for the Akatsuki that their aspirin was kept in a large coffee jar with "_keep out of reach of Tobi_" scrawled across the front in red marker pen.

The door flew open, and Konan came in with the basket again; she scooped up the breakfasts at hers, Tei's and Rei's places, and three glasses of juice, and left without a word.

"The lawn needs mowing." Leader said. Konan came back, and took three peaches, four boxes of cereal and Hidan's chair, kicking the unconscious immortal as she passed him.

"Konan, what-"

"For the fort." She said, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

"So now what?" 

"We mow the lawn, I guess."

The lawn could have belonged to a family with several small children (Leader would have called this irony); Tobi's many toys littered the overgrown grass, and the various flowers that grew under the hedges were in every color imaginable. Spolding the Turtle, who came and went and probably belonged to one of the neighbours, was plodding along by the rose bush where Tei stashed her tequila.

Itachi was the one who braved the shed to get the lawnmower, whilst everyone else cleared up (meaning, whilst everyone else moved all their junk to the back garden. It would be put back when the back garden was cleaned). The Akatsuki Lawnmower was a sight to behold. Rei had attacked it with her yellow smiling face stickers, Itachi had Amaterasu'd it for reasons nobody was quite clear of, Hidan had superglued several valuble currencies to it to annoy Kakuzu, and Kakuzu had in retaliation carved the icons of several religions into the plastic, and Tei had somehow made it stink of alcahol. Somebody had scrawled "**Born To Be Wild**" across it all in marker pen, and signed it with a red and white Akatsuki cloud.

He plugged it into the extension chord, and was about to switch it on when, with a piercing shriek, Zetsu came flying out of the house, landing spread-eagled on the lawn, screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Deidara clutched his ears again, the sound raising his headache from Extremely Painful to Blindingly Agonising.

"...What?" Kisame asked.

"You can't kill my babies!" Zetsu yelped, hugging the grass.

"The grasses are your... babies?" Rimu asked, more than a little creeped out by the prospect of Zetsu's breeding.

"Well... not _mine_ specifically... but look at them! They're all so little, so helpless, so-" Itachi switched on the lawnmower and advanced on Zetsu, shredding all in his path. Zetsu howled in misery and ran back into the house in tears.

"That was mean, Itachi-san..."

"Shut up, Anno." Itachi said, continuing to decapitate Zetsu's 'babies' until the lawn was tame enough to satisfy even Sasori, who was utterly obsessed with neatness, to the extent that he had passed out for two weeks after a glimpse into Tei's room.

* * *

This was later. The Akatsuki minus the females and the Leader sat on the couch in the living room watching the movie '300'. _"SPARTANS!"_ The king on the screen yelled. 

"What are we eating tonight?"

_"TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!"_

"It's Pie Night." Itachi said.

"Hey, how come you know all the meals?"

"If you ever paid any attention to the world around you at all, Kisame, you would realise that there are fourteen members of the Akatsuki, and the girls cook fourteen different meals in fourteen days. Every night _someone_ has their favourite meal. Tonight is Pie Night, which is Hidan's favourite."

"Okay then..." The Akatsuki watched as Anno, wearing Konan's blue apron, dashed about the room with a feather duster, humming love songs to himself as he cleaned. "Remind me again..." Kisame said, looking at the happy Anno, whose burns had fallen down a plothole, "how did the hedgehog get into Akatsuki?"

_"THIS IS SPARTA!"_

"Because he's a homicidal maniac with an insatiable lust for blood." Itachi said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. Kisame stared. "Alternate personality." Itachi explained.

_"SPARTAN!"_

"So we're going shopping again then?"

"Yup."

_"FOR SPARTA!"_

"Actually, I don't think we have to." Said Rimu. "I mean, Hidan't not waking up any time soon, right? Tobi's given him a blanky and everything. And if Pie Night's really just for Hidan, then as he's not here to complain, we can just microwave something instant, right?"

"If you dare put anything instant on my table at all in the world ever I will cut out your spleen, feed it to you, and then cut it out again." Said Leader, leaning on the door post. He paused. "I think Telaki calls that a de-spleening."

"No, that's not exactly how you de-spleen-"

"Shut up, Anno." Leader left.

_"SPARTANS!"_

"So... we're making a pie tonight?"

"How the hell do you make a pie?"

"We'll have to ask the girls, I guess."

"SPARTANS!" There was a silence. Everybody stared at Sasori, who had shouted. He shrugged. "What? It's a good film. I was in the moment. SPARTANS!" The last cry had Deidara rolling on the floor, clutching at his head. It had raised his headache from Blindingly Agonising to Oh God I Wish I Was Dead.

"Well!" Rimu announced, raising a finger and ignoring Deidara's sufferings. "Folks, let's make pie!"

* * *

A/N Coming soon in the next chapter: They Make Pie! Or do they? Hmm... 


	5. Wednesday: Part Two

A/N I felt like explaining our canon deviations and twisting: Tobi and Zetsu make a partnership, so Deidara and Sasori can be active at the same time. The OCs Rei, Tei, Rimu and Anno don't hold rings or seek out tailed beasts, they started out as spies and now do fund-raising missions to keep the Akatsuki treasury full up whilst the other ten are off hunting tailed beasts.

* * *

For all his shinobi life, Kisame had never been frightened. He had been nervous, anxious, creeped out, but not frightened. But now, facing the bolted door to Tei's room, was the closest he had come to that emotion since the day somebody had framed him for stealing Leader's favourite striped pyjamas – and _then_, he had spent a week hiding in the sub-sub-sub-basement (the Akatsuki Hideout, outwardly a normal-sized house, spread several floors underground), with only the cockroaches Telaki had trained into circus performers when Leader had lost his temper and locked her down there last month for company. Unfortunately, upon deciding who should go to the girls to obtain a pie recipe, the vote for Kisame had been unanimous.

And now, they were in Tei's room.

Suzuka Telaki may have been a cheery blonde alcoholic with a puppyism to rival Tobi's, but she was also highly unpredictable, took erratically timed naps, and did not like being woken up. Kisame had been one of those who had convinced Hidan to wake her at three in the morning for no real reason, and the immortal had come back battered, bloody and missing several body parts. Tobi's presence by his side was the only reason he was able to stop his hand from trembling as he knocked. With a foreboding creak, the door slid open.

The floor of Tei's room had vanished several years ago beneath colossal piles of Stuff. Kisame had been in there at night once (totally not stealing Sasori's wallet that Kakuzu had stolen that Zetsu had found empty the next day that he had then unknowingly sold to Deidara on eBay that Tei had won in a card game a week later), and he could have sworn there was something _moving_ beneath the junk. Something _big_**.**

As it was, Tei sat cross-legged on a mountain of laundry, Rei lay on Tei's bed sewing a little doll, and Konan was in the corner using icing sugar as mortar to build a fort. Three pairs of eyes, two blue and one purple, turned coldly to him as he stood on the threshold.

"What do you want, sushi?" Konan asked.

"We, uh… we need a pie recipe. We don't have one."

"Get one from Deidara. He's got internet access."

"Leader likes _your_ recipes."

"Do _you_?" Rei said sharply. Kisame paused. Flattery was probably the best option.

"Oh, yes. Your pies are exquisite. Better than that, actually. I can't really think of a word to describe the glory that lies beneath the golden crust of your magnificent cuisine…"

"Go on."

Oh, God, he'd done it again. He took a breath, and wondered how he was going to convince Tobi not to blab later. "No language on Earth could do justice to the succulent aroma, the gentle, delicate crispiness, the warm, juicy meat… Konan, Telaki, Reikisha, you are truly divine mistresses of the pie."

The girls looked at each other, then went into a huddle. Kisame remained at a polite distance, only catching certain words and phrases. Words and phrases like "maybe we should", "a bit of mercy", "nice language", and "can I have a lemur?". Eventually, they separated, and Tei went to grab some paper and a pen.

* * *

"She gave us fourteen recipes, but we can probably get away with using just two. Meat and vegetarian" Kisame said, handing Sasori the slip of paper. Sasori was staring past him, to Tobi, who had pushed back his mask; his face was covered in icing sugar, and in his hand was a while bag of the stuff. He was eating it calmly and quietly.

It had been a stroke of luck that Konan had given it to the masked Akatsuki before they left. It had meant Kisame could steal it and hold it for ransom until Tobi gave his promise never to speak of the way Kisame had been forced to talk to the three flowers of the Akatsuki.

"Why _is_ Tei vegetarian, anyway? It's not like she has a problem with killing people."

"She tried to eat a live ferret once." Rimu said, busy on the floor. "It bit her on the nose and didn't co-operate."

"Why did she try to eat a _live-_"

"Shut up, Anno."

"Rimu-sensei…"

"Okay, so who here is any good at cooking pie?" Rimu asked, looking up from his work: drawing on the face of the unconscious Hidan in permanent marker.

"Zetsu-san can make pie!" Tobi announced. "When Tobi and Zetsu-san are on missions, Zetsu-san cooks for Tobi and he makes nice pie! But he doesn't use herbs for seasoning so it tastes a bit bland…" Tobi grinned, and stuffed another handful of icing sugar into his mouth.

"Okay, let's go and find Zetsu." Kisame said. The Akatsuki, minus Deidara, who had his head in the freezer trying to numb away his headache, Rimu, who was still drawing on Hidan's face, and Hidan, who was unconscious, moseyed off to find the plant-man.

* * *

As it happened, Zetsu was sat by the pond in the back garden. He was staring out over the water (the Akatsuki Pond was easily lake-sized), throwing bits of raw meat to the strange thing splashing beneath the water. The monster in the Akatsuki Pond was in fact one of Rei's stranger inventions, a doll animated by her chakra. It looked somewhere between a hawk and an octopus, and was generally referred to as the Hawktopus. How the doll could eat, nobody knew, but it did, usually wooden furniture, raw meat or small animals who ventured to close to the water's edge. Or occasionally pirates who had come into the ninjas' territory seeking the treasure that was rumoured to be at the bottom of the pond.

"Zetsu-san? Zetsu-san!" Tobi called his partner. Zetsu looked sullenly up at him.

"What?" He asked impatiently.

"We need you to make us some pie please, Zetsu-san!"

Zetsu's eyes narrowed. He was practically glaring when he demanded, "Where is _Itachi_?" Tobi was confused. He said so. Zetsu said, "Bring me Itachi!" Tobi did. Zetsu said, "So. You want me to save your skin and make pie?"

Itachi shrugged nonchalantly, and nodded. Zetsu scoffed. "Well." He said. "Well, well." And then he did something he had never done in public (as public as the company of about half of Akatsuki was) before. He burst out laughing, cackling madly, and then pointed one long white finger at Itachi and declared mirthfully, "I have you at my mercy!"

Itachi looked surprised. Which is to say, his eyebrows twitched for about a hundredth of a second. For Itachi, this was unusually expressive. "What?" He asked quietly.

"You want _pie_? You want PIE?" Zetsu cackled some more. "Oh, I'll give you _pie_! I'll give you such _pie_ as the world has never seen before!"

"… Okay. That's good." Itachi said hesitantly, though the hesitation was only about a hundredth of a second.

"But FIRST!" Zetsu grinned, showing all his long teeth. It had seemed eerie once, but only before one got used to the blue, fish-like Kisame, the giant puppet Sasori had used to wear in the hideout (Leader had made him stop wearing it indoors after one too many smashed vases and things knocked over), the strange, voodoo-like Kakuzu, and Leader, who had within his person more metal than a pin-manufacturer who likes to eat his work. "FIRST, Itachi-_kun_, you will _apologise!_"

"_Apologise?_" Itachi gasped. Gasped, as in his breath was about a hundredth of a breath more emphasised than normal. Oh, how Itachi loved his hundredths… "Apologise for what, exactly?"

"For the death of my babies!"

"… What?"

"You killed them! You decapitated the grass! You _mutilated_ my _babies_!"

"They are _not_ your babies, Zetsu. Konan bought the turf from the local garden centre. The parents of out front lawn are Focus Gardening and genetic engineering."

"YOU LIE!" Zetsu screamed. "NO APOLOGY, NO PIE!"

Itachi looked about. Tobi was there. Kisame, Sasori, Kakuzu, Rimu, Anno. Deidara still had his head in the freezer, Hidan lay unconscious on the kitchen floor, the girls were wherever they chose to live out their strike and Leader was holed away in his room watching soap operas. But Sasori would tell Deidara, who would gossip away to Hidan, the girls had that uncanny female knack of hearing about everything undesirable, and Leader had his Ways. And the girls would tell Simon, the owner of the makeup shop Rei and Konan frequented, and he would tell _everyone_. When word got around that the great Uchiha Itachi had actually _apologised_ (and also that he stooped to such menial tasks as lawn mowing), his reputation would be ruined. _Ruined_. So _no_, Zetsu-_kun_, the great Uchiha Itachi will _not_ apologise!

"Have it your way. Leader will kill you too." Itachi said coldly. Zetsu glared. The back door opened, and the girls came out, carrying a chair, a toast and a large teddy-bear. They blanked the men and assorted humanoid plants and fish and approached the edge of the pond. Rei crouched and called out: "Here, Hawky! Come on, Hawky!" Tei held out the chair. Suddenly, the surface of the water broke and one long, slender tentacle shot out, wrapped around the chair and pulled it under. Konan threw in the toast and it was dragged under quickly. Rei took the teddy-bear and held it out, and the tentacle reached out again and curled around the bear, somewhat more gently than with the chair, and with surprising tenderness pulled it under. Rei smiled and petted the tentacle as it passed. "Good Hawky. Enjoy your dinner."

They turned to go, but Anno called after them: "Reikisha-san, Telaki-san, Konan-senpai! Please! We need you to come back and make pie!"

They laughed. "Shut up, Anno…" Rimu sighed half-heartedly. And then, they went back to the kitchen. But as they went, Konan leaned in and whispered to Tobi.

Back in the kitchen, Rimu threatened to beat Tobi to a pulp unless the puppyish young nin told him what Konan had said. Happily munching on icing sugar again, Tobi told Rimu that Konan had said how Leader likes his pie burnt. Rimu had growled.

"Well, suppose we take our chances and make our own pie ourselves." Kisame conceded mournfully. The others nodded.

* * *

It took more than two hours to make pie. And then they had to be cooked, which took a long time. And then Deidara had to be stopped from overdosing big-time on aspirin (he earlier had to be forced to leave the freezer after his head turned blue). And then someone finally had the thought to take the icing sugar from Tobi before it spoiled his appetite. And Tobi was unwilling so he ended up grappling on the floor with Kisame, shrieking and crying until Leader came and said he'd torture them to death if they didn't shut the hell up. And to clean up all that spilt sugar. And then Sasori and Kakuzu had to hold Tobi back from licking the sugar off the floor while Kisame hovered and Deidara screamed and writhed as his headache reached Kill Me Now intensity.

And then they went to watch pokémon out of sheer boredom.

And then… there was dinner.

* * *

The pies actually looked alright, set out on the nifty plates Deidara had acquired on eBay, with gravy and vegetables (except for Leader, who, being too cool for skool, as one of his t-shirts declared, was most definitely too cool for vegetables, and was of course exempt from the _Thou Shalt Eat Thine Vegetables_ sign Rei had pegged on the wall). They were a pleasant golden brown (except for Leader's, which was burnt crispy), and though they had a slightly odd smell about them, it looked like dinner was a success.

Until Leader took his first mouthful, chewed it for a moment, and spat.

Every muscle at the table tensed, except for the unconscious Hidan's. They were all expecting stabbity death to come swiftly to whoever Leader decided was responsible, but he simply twirled his fork thoughtfully and took another mouthful, chewing slowly. He swallowed and looked around the table.

"Syrup." He said quietly. Shocked, Kisame quickly took a pie, and yes, there was that definite sticky, sweet taste. Slowly, every head at the table turned to the one who had stayed in the kitchen for a drink while everyone else went to watch TV.

Itachi shrugged. "It tasted very bland. I added a little extra flavour."

"You put _syrup_ in our _pies_?" Deidara screamed – then realised, and flinched, holding his head.

"How could you _sabotage _us like this?" Kisame demanded.

"Tobi feels unTobi-ishly cross!" Tobi announced.

"I'll _kill_ you, traitor!" Kakuzu growled, pulling out a kunai. And then…

"I like it."

All heads turned to Leader, who had another fork load of pie heading for his mouth. "It tastes nice." He said. "But since this has extremely high sugar levels, I can only hope that there is no dessert."

Sasori thought of the fruit jelly he had made, mixing and re-mixing, chopping all the fruit so painstakingly and even using a ruler to ensure it was spread evenly, waiting so seductively in the fridge. But this was Leader, and Leader was Leader. And Leader had decided there would be no dessert. Sasori so nearly cried. But he was a shinobi, and was strong.

And that was how Leader, who knew all about that jelly and the love and care that had gone into its making, liked his pie: steak, syrup, slightly burnt with lamb gravy, no vegetables and a splash of sadism.

* * *

It was dark. All of the lights were out except the two wall lamps. Sasori was wiping the table and Kisame was braiding Hidan's hair for the night.

"How is everyone?" He asked.

"Deidara's feeling better, Tobi's bouncing off the walls with all the sugar, Itachi's smug, Zetsu's still sulking and Anno shut up. How's Hidan?"

"Sleeping, I think. I left him a pie in the microwave." Kisame tied the braid with a ribbon.

"Funny, that with Leader…"

"He's always been quirky."

"Yeah… but who'd have thought Itachi would put syrup in the pie?"

"Clearly you've never had one of his coffees." Sasori threw the cloth into the sink disdainfully and sat down by Kisame.

"I saw Hidan drink one once and it corroded him with sweetness. I value my body."

"You do spend a lot of time polishing it."

"Yeah. Daily. And now I need my beauty sleep."

"Huh. Don't you need to wash that frilly sleeping mask?"

"Oh, I have lots of – _how do you know about that_?"

"I have ways…" Kisame sniggered in the half-light. He was still giggling when Sasori got bored and went to bed.

And thus it was that the Akatsuki survived the second day of the strike.

* * *

A/N I know, I know, I know, I took waaaaaay too long! But my policy now is at least one update a week. It can be on any fanfiction (but I guarantee it'll be a Naruto one). Mosey on over to my sister/partner in crime Astarael's Get, who's also doing a massive update! And… the next chapter will come when I want it too.


End file.
